i’ve only got one real weakness he said looking soulfully up at me, but it sure is a big one. what is it i said & he sighed deeply. outer space. it gets me every time.

field trips

i thought field trips with fourth graders would be pretty chill until our train tickets didn’t work & half the class got stuck on one side of the turnstile & i had to buy 30 tickets one at a time with my credit card & then a girl got her first period ever while we were waiting for the train & i had to convince her that she wasn’t dying & then the train broke down & then a kid started doing pull-ups & kicked some poor commuter in the back & i was sweating through my shirt & then he patted my shoulder & said we’ll make it back someday & most of us will probably still be alive.


john sutter

you guys she said i don’t want to be dramatic but john sutter was a huge jerk, he was like the donald trump of the gold rush & the rest of the class nodded understandingly like they now knew exactly the kind of guy they were dealing with.


why were you slapping each other i asked & they looked at the ground silently & then he said we didn’t have anything else to do so we thought slapping each other would make things more interesting & i said did it & they all nodded happily.


they were presenting their research project about jellyfish so obviously they did an interpretive dance & it must have tired him out because he laid down on the carpet & she looked at him for a minute & then continued the presentation while he took a little rest.


i demanded that my kids refer to me as queen devin because they were questioning my authority & i heard him whisper don’t worry guys i know how to lead a revolution.


he came in sobbing & i said what’s wrong & he handed me a piece of paper with a bunch of numbers & dollar signs on it & i said what’s this & he wailed SEAHORSES ARE SO EXPENSIVE HOW WILL I EVER AFFORD ONE & then he climbed into my lap to cry about it a little more.


today we’re writing persuasive essays about controversial topics & i said try to think of something that really makes your blood boil & she said i HATE it how there is a boys section & a girls section of clothes LIKE JUST LET ME BE A PERSON.